After 2 years when i last made my first blog i think its time for me to make another one. it was not an easy thing for me to finish my blog for it was about the loss of my first child. August of the same year when my baby left me, i learned that i am pregnant again and i told myself that this time il make sure il give birth to a healthy baby that i will take care til my dying days. but fate was not on my side and instead i lost another angel after 6 weeks of being pregnant. i had a miscarriage. my first baby died because of an umbilical cord accident and this time i lost it because of an incompatible hormone between me and my husband. actually i really don't exactly know what was the real cause all i know is that i lost another one.. what did i do wrong? do i deserve this misery? i have so many questions and i even got to the point that i doubted God and i kept on wondering and asking Him on why me? but things remained unanswered til now. Every special occasions like Christmas, birthdays, or even all souls day, its quite sad that i celebrate it with my two children buried in the cemetery instead of having them around cuddle them and celebrate every occasions with them. im quite envious with my friends who were planning on how they will celebrate the birthdays of their children, seeing pictures of them while celebrating every happy moment or even during sad moments that they have their children with them... anger and pain is all over me and i put my blame to everyone even to my husband. i blame him that if only he cared for me, if only he listened to me, if only he gave me support, if only..if only... but i cant bring back time, i cant rewind things nor undo everything. all i can do is to move on... even until now the memory is still haunting me. vision of my babies linger on me now til forever...
why am i bringing this back? why am i rekindling every painful moment happened 2 years ago.. actually. i dont know... i dont know if this is just a product of doing nothing, is this because i already had the courage to talk about this and let everyone know, or is it because im now in pain and im considering this way to ease all out.
maybe i am not just grieving because i lost my children but also because i lost my ideal of having the family i wanted ever since i was a kid and that is to have children, a loving husband, and our own home, things that were deprive to me and things that im still fighting to gain....
they say that things happen for a reason i hope the reason is worth all the pains and worth all the sacrifices...
