january 24 of 2009 the day i never forget.. it was the day i realized that few months from then i will become a mother. it was a mix of emotions when i saw the second line coming out in my pregnancy test. i was nervous, shocked but most of all i was the happiest. i think i was the happiest individual during that day knowing that a life is forming inside my womb. i didnt know what to do first but to tell the excited people inside my office what the result was. i still remember how they shouted and congratulated me. everyone was happy. i didnt know how to deliver the news to my husband. i was shivering when i got my phone and called my husband. and as what i expected he had a neutral voice telling me to take care.
it was like a miracle, a prayer heard from Above! i went to different churches before to pray that someday i will be given the chance to take good care of an angel here on earth then i was fascinated that an answer to my prayers come so soon. my husband and i got married december of last year and it was a great blessing for both of us to have our first baby during our early stage of marriage. i changed everything i was the day i learned about my pregnancy. it was like a sudden U-turn to what i was before. i changed my lifestyle and decided to stop everything that might cause something bad to the life i am bearing inside. it was like the first selfless thing that i did and i came to realize what my mother always tell us about the unconditional love a parent will give to their child.
January 25, 2009 the first day i went for a prenatal and i was so excited then, i had my first ultrasound but i was frustrated to know that no heart beat was found out. my doctor told me that it was normal for some 7 week old baby to be diagnosed as an embryo with no heart beat.
february 5, 2009 i was scheduled again for my second prenatal and that was the first time i heard my baby's heart beat. it was like music to my ears. the most wonderful hymn. i cant help but to shed a tear hearing that a life is growing inside my womb. i got even more excited that i cant wait to see my baby.
pregnancy wasnt easy for me though. i always got mood swings and i hated almost everybody around me including my husband. anger and depression was all over me, it was like a suppress emotions coming out of my system, but i got rid of it after my first trimester. i was always excited everytime i go for my prenatal coz i know i will be hearing the most wonderful music of all..., my baby's heartbeat.
fourth month of my pregnancy was more on the physical changes showing up. my feet are swelling, my nose got bigger, my tummy is really getting bigger and harder but i didnt mind all of those, instead i got more excited coz it was clearer to me that my baby is growing inside me. i cant stop my self but to giggle evrytime i feel my baby's kick, it was like a lil tornado inside my stomach dancing for joy and i felt so happy and i knew then that my baby was also happy. we always had our conversation and it feels good to know that my baby was responding to me.
may 20, 2009 the schedule of our prenatal and the moment we will know what will be the gender. everybody was excited. my husband and i went early to have my ultrasound and we saw the movement and suddenly the doctor told us that it was a baby girl. we are expecting for a baby girl. i was even more excited seeing her and it was an explainable feeling. i can still remember how it dances inside my tummy. i never knew that it was the last time i see my baby moving.
May 26, 2009.. i had a really strong feeling to see a doctor and i dont know why i have the urge. when i lay down in the doctor's clinic and when she put the doppler device in on my tummy she couldnt hear any heartbeat. i got so scared but still in denial that maybe she just couldnt identify the heartbeat or maybe the device she used is broken.. i fell down and cry and i had a hard time comprehending everything.
may 27, 2009. very early in the morning me and my husband went to the women centre for an ultrasound. i did not understand what i felt during that time and even until now while doing this i cant stop but to shiver and shed tears reminiscing how it happened. it was then when i had my ultrasound i can still remember how my baby looks like inside my womb and she is not moving anymore. no heartbeat, no movement. i felt like i lost everything on that day. suddenly the doctor told me that my baby is dead. it was like i was buried and i cant breathe. i felt like i was stabbed and i was bleeding and hoping that ill just wake and realized that it was only a dream.. but it was not.. i had so many sleepless nights knowing that the baby im bearing inside is already gone.. suddenly i just wake up in the middle of the night crying and weeping for my lost that i cant gain back. i feel helpless and useless knowng that i cant save my baby. knowing that i cant do anything. i carried my baby in my womb wiht no life already for two weeks.
june 12, 2009 i was rushed to the hospital coz my baby is coming out already after days of terrible medication just to get her out of my womb. it was unusual that my baby stayed for quite awhile after the medication given to me. or maybe my baby thought that her mommy is still not ready to let her go.. so she stayed for awhile.
@ around 10 am i delivered her and it was a normal delivery. it was an unexplainable physical pain i ever had during my labor but the pain, the emotional pain is far more unexplainable when i already delivered my baby and when she was put by my side..
May 26, 2009.. i had a really strong feeling to see a doctor and i dont know why i have the urge. when i lay down in the doctor's clinic and when she put the doppler device in on my tummy she couldnt hear any heartbeat. i got so scared but still in denial that maybe she just couldnt identify the heartbeat or maybe the device she used is broken.. i fell down and cry and i had a hard time comprehending everything.
may 27, 2009. very early in the morning me and my husband went to the women centre for an ultrasound. i did not understand what i felt during that time and even until now while doing this i cant stop but to shiver and shed tears reminiscing how it happened. it was then when i had my ultrasound i can still remember how my baby looks like inside my womb and she is not moving anymore. no heartbeat, no movement. i felt like i lost everything on that day. suddenly the doctor told me that my baby is dead. it was like i was buried and i cant breathe. i felt like i was stabbed and i was bleeding and hoping that ill just wake and realized that it was only a dream.. but it was not.. i had so many sleepless nights knowing that the baby im bearing inside is already gone.. suddenly i just wake up in the middle of the night crying and weeping for my lost that i cant gain back. i feel helpless and useless knowng that i cant save my baby. knowing that i cant do anything. i carried my baby in my womb wiht no life already for two weeks.
june 12, 2009 i was rushed to the hospital coz my baby is coming out already after days of terrible medication just to get her out of my womb. it was unusual that my baby stayed for quite awhile after the medication given to me. or maybe my baby thought that her mommy is still not ready to let her go.. so she stayed for awhile.
@ around 10 am i delivered her and it was a normal delivery. it was an unexplainable physical pain i ever had during my labor but the pain, the emotional pain is far more unexplainable when i already delivered my baby and when she was put by my side..
